ShadowShot : L'enfant Guerrier Page 23

  I waited for the time differences and then made the call. She answered.

  “Misha, I have some exciting news. I’m in Paris, and I have just inherited a lot of money from George. It would be better of course if I could ask you this in person. Misha, will you quit your job and come to live with me? I want us to be together from now on. If you like I’ll fly you to Paris or I’ll come and get you, whichever you prefer.”

  “Jack did you get my message that I needed to talk to you?”

  “No not yet honey.”

  “Damn it Jack. Why do you ask me this now?”

  “What do you mean? What’s wrong Misha?”

  She sounded like she was about to start crying.

  “What’s wrong is, that I waited for years for you to ask me that. Then just when I gave up thinking that you ever would, you do. That’s what’s wrong. I thought that perhaps when we were in Tahiti you would ask me, maybe even ask me to marry you. But it was too much to hope for, and now Jack, it’s too late.”

  “Too late? I don’t understand. What do you mean Misha?”

  “I mean that another man has asked me to marry him, and I said yes.”

  I was trying to stay composed. “Misha, we just got back from having the most wonderful trip in Tahiti and now you tell me that you’re marrying somebody. How could this have happened? Please explain.”

  “All right. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, so please don’t interrupt me till I’m finished.

  “From the day we met, I’ve been in love with you. I gave you my body, my mind and my soul. I never wanted to be with another man but you, and I hadn’t till we got back from Tahiti. I realized then that nothing would ever change with you. When we first got together I knew you needed time to get over Sophia, but I didn’t think it would take years and years if ever. In all that time, I never let another man touch me even though I knew during times when we couldn’t be together you would sleep with other women. Oh I know. It was meaningless to you but not to me. It hurt me. Jack, all I wanted was for us to be together, to start making a life together.

  “I never mentioned it to you, but do you know that there were times when you would call Sophia’s name in your sleep? How do you think that made me feel?

  Do you think that you’re the only man that is interested in me? Two years ago I met a man. We became friends and yes, he wanted me. But I told him that I was very much in love with you. You were the only man I wanted in my life. I knew that he had fallen in love with me, but it was enough for him that we could be just friends. I grew very fond of him, but only as a friend. I really hoped that when we were in Tahiti you would ask me to marry you. However, when you didn’t, I knew that you never would. Jack I know that you love me, but you’re not in love with me. This man wants the same things that I want, a life together. Children, you’ll never want children, you know that. Even just now you said you wanted to live together. You still can’t say, ‘Will you marry me?’

  “The years have been wonderful being your lover, but I need more than that in my life. He has offered it to me. Now one week after he proposed to me and I say yes you call me up and give me half of everything I’ve been waiting years for. Why Jack? Why now?”

  “It’s hard to explain. It wasn’t the right time till now. You didn’t let me get it all out just now. What I was going to say is that we could live together for awhile and then if you wanted we could be married. And of course I know you want children, and we could have them. I have recently found out a lot of things about my life, which I would like to share with you. I can’t do it over the phone. You’re right about everything you said. You’ve given me so much of yourself and now I want the chance to do the same for you. I want us to be together forever. It’s not that I don’t want children. You know that the first eight years of my life were a blank for me. Now I know much of what happened back then. It’s made a big difference in understanding who I am. Give us a chance Misha.”

  “Jack, tell me the truth. Did you see Sophia in Paris?”

  This would’ve been a very good time to lie but I just couldn’t do it. Instead I got George’s note out and read most of it to her.

  “I had to know that she was all right, and she is. It’s over between us. I promise you. She’s been living with a woman as her lover for the last year and a half.”

  “Jack did you sleep with her?”

  “Yes, one night. It was our way of saying goodbye forever.”

  “Thank you for telling me the truth. If she had wanted you back, we would not be having this conversation, would we?”

  “Please listen to me. When we were in Tahiti on at least five different occasions, I wanted to take you in my arms and tell you how much I loved you, that I was in love with you, and that I wanted us to be together for the rest of our lives. I felt that there was something coming up that I had to take care of first. You know that I have this intuition thing, and I knew there was something that I had to deal with. Then when I got back I found George’s note. The note is self-explanatory. He knew that Sophia and I had to have closure. I also needed to go there for other reasons to find out things about myself. I’m ready to be the man you want me to be. Please do not throw away everything that we have had. I know I don’t deserve a second chance, but I’m asking you please.”

  “Jack I believe you that you really feel this way, but if she would have taken you back you could not of said no, and you know it, I would never have more than half of you and that’s no longer enough for me.”

  “No, you’re wrong about the last thing but you’re right about everything else. It’s not fair to do this over the phone like this. Please come to me or I can come to you and we can talk more about this.”

  “I said everything to you I can. I thought about this 1000 times over. I want to marry this other man.”

  “Misha, do this for me. Think about it tonight and I’ll call you tomorrow. Just remember that I asked you to come and live with me before I knew anything about this other man. You must see that.”

  “All right, call me tomorrow night at seven o’clock my time. Good night Jack.”

  It would be a very long 24 hours for me before I could make the call.

  That night was terrible for Misha. She had thought that the night was bittersweet when Brad asked her to marry him. She had to make her decision to continue with Jack, or marry Brad. It was a bad night. However, it was nothing compared to what she was going through tonight.

  Brad was a pilot. He worked with the same airline she did, and was a good, gentle man. He loved her. He wanted to be married and have children. He wanted everything for them that she had wanted to have with Jack. Was it fair of her to say she would marry him when she knew she was still in love with Jack? She had expressed this to him. He said it didn’t matter. All he knew was that he wanted them to be together.

  She had known it was going to be hard to tell Jack that it was over, and she had given herself to another man. She couldn’t wait for him any longer. But now he had dropped the bomb on her. In some ways he made it easier for her by telling her about Sophia, but the reality was he was offering her everything that she had been wanting for years. Could she tell Brad that she had changed her mind? It would break his heart, but what if she couldn’t be the wife that he wanted her to be because of Jack? Wouldn’t that break his heart worse? Maybe she should just say no to both of them.

  She thought about the day she had first seen Jack in the airport. She was on her way to work. Jack and a woman were holding each other, just standing there. She had to stop and look at them. She had never seen a more handsome couple. She knew without being told that they were saying goodbye forever. There was such an incredible love and pain in both of their faces that she almost broke down and cried for them. Then there he was boarding her plane and taking a seat in her first-class section. That was such a long time ago.

  She got into the shower and let the hot water wash over her. She hoped it would rinse away her confusion. As she stood in front of the mir
ror, drying herself, her towel fell to the floor. She just stared at her naked reflection in the mirror. She thought she was beautiful. Why couldn’t she be enough for him? She took her breasts in her hands. They were large and firm. Her hair and her legs were long, and her stomach was flat. Her face was exotic and sensuous. Her skin was brown and smooth. She thought, “I am a head turner, I always have been, but I’m not as beautiful as Sophia.” Sophia was the most beautiful woman Misha had ever seen. However, that wasn’t really the problem. She suspected there was something else that bound Jack to Sophia, and it wasn’t that she was the greatest lover in the whole world. When Jack was with me he was always completely there. She knew that to be true. He was always so honest. Why couldn’t he have just lied to her about sleeping with Sophia in Paris? Maybe it would’ve made a difference. But that was one of the things that she loved about Jack. He would never lie to her.

  There were times when she thought if she could only talk to Sophia. She would tell her she loved him and would be good for him. If Sophia truly loved him, then either take him or let her have him, all of him. In the end it always came back to the same thing, she wanted children and he did not really want them. He said he would, but it was to make her happy.

  “Oh dear God please give me wisdom. I’m so confused.”

  The phone rang the next day at exactly 7 pm to the minute.

  “Misha, please tell me that we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together.”

  “I’m very sorry Jack. I truly am. I have to go ahead with my life. I thought about everything you said. I’ve cried. I’ve wept till I have no more tears to shed. If we kept our relationship the way it was, we probably could grow old together. I believe that, but I can’t do it any longer. It’s not what I want. It’s not what I need. I want to be married and have children. You’d be miserable. It would end in divorce. I can’t let that happen to us.”

  “Do you love him more than you love me?”

  “Maybe in time I will, but no, I may never love any man more than I’ve loved you. Please try and understand Jack. I’ve given you the best of me.”

  “I can’t give up Misha I have to fight for you. I don’t want to lose you. I’m coming there. I have to see you.”

  “No please, don’t come. Jack I don’t want it to be any harder than it already is. I won’t change my mind.”

  “And if I hadn’t seen and slept with Sophia, would that have mattered?”

  “No Jack. That was only half of it. I believe you that you won’t see her again, not now anyway. I just don’t want us to be together more years, and then lose you because I haven’t been able to make you happy.”

  “You could have told me that this was in the works, before we went to Tahiti. Or better yet, you might’ve let me know what was about to happen when you got back. I wanted to tell you the things that I said yesterday, but I didn’t realize that I had such a tiny window of opportunity.”

  “I wanted you to ask me to marry you because it was the one thing you wanted more than anything in the world, not because I planning to marry someone else if you didn’t ask me.”

  “Is there nothing that I can say to you to make you change your mind?”

  “No Jack. Please just let me go. Please.”

  “Is he a good man? Can he take care of you?”

  “Yes. He’s not you, but he is a very good man.”

  “All right Misha. I’m sorry. I truly am. I never meant to hurt you. I’ve always loved you. I was just too foolish to see that you needed more than we had. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I’ll send you your things.”

  “Thank you Jack. Take care of yourself. I have to go. I think I’m going to be sick.”

  “Goodbye baby.”

  This had to be some kind of record, losing the only two women that I had ever loved in my life within 48 hours. Of course I had actually lost Sophia years before, but she unequivocally clarified that now. What a fool I am to lose a woman like Misha.

  I felt like I had been disemboweled. If I had only opened my mouth in Tahiti and told her what I was feeling, we could’ve worked through the rest. How could I be so insensitive to her feelings all these years? Because she didn’t push what she wanted I thought she was okay with the way our relationship had been.

  I was going through the, should of, would of, could of syndrome once again.

  I literally pushed her into the arms of another man. Maybe I should just go kill him. No, she would probably be upset with me. That was my dark sense of humor coming out again. I always had a way of trying to make things light when they were at their worst.

  Sophia was always like a dreamlike fantasy. She was the opposite of Medusa. She was the queen of the sirens. To see her and touch her meant that you belonged to her. Not that I ever doubted that she really loved me. If I had been older or she younger, we might have slipped into Greek mythology. We might have lived our lives out as demigods. But alas, we were mere mortals and subject to all the sorrows and disappointments that go with being human. Ahhh…. I could see that the wine was working.

  Misha on the other hand was real and also loved me. She would have been content to live with me as a mere mortal. The gods had given me the greatest gift and I had thrown it back in their faces. If they didn’t strike me down with a thunderbolt, they would probably set me adrift alone and unloved for the rest of my life. I think for right now, I will just pass out.

  It must have been late morning, because, I was awakened by the maid to clean the room. At least I had the good grace to pass out on the couch. I remembered waking a few times, but I didn’t want to face the day. I called down for a large breakfast to be sent up with a big pot of coffee. I told room service that if I didn’t answer the door, to please come in and leave it on the table. After using probably 100 gallons of hot water in the shower, I filled the tub, I heard the waiter bringing the food into the living room. After he left I went out and got it and brought it into the bathroom. I set it up on the tub sill. I was having breakfast in the bath. I always did my best thinking while in a body of hot water or on the beach with the sun beating down on me.

  “Well, Mr. Jack or Johno or whoever you are, you really blew your best shot.” It dawned on me that my identity was my problem. I really didn’t know who I was. To know, I would have to know more about my beginnings.

  I would probably never get the opportunity again to be with someone like Misha. The only thing I could do was to learn from my mistakes. Christ! Now there was absolutely no one left in my life I was close to. George, Sophia and Misha were all gone.

  What was the bright side? Or was there even a bright side? Of course there was.

  There was closure with Sophia. And Misha was probably right. Maybe it just wasn’t my path to have children. I had two dogs, two horses, two homes, and a lot of money although I knew it was going to be very hard getting over losing Misha.

  37

  A VISIT TO AN OLD FRIEND.

  I needed to get out of this hotel, but not till next morning. I would check out. Then I had a few things I needed to do in Paris and France as well. That night I made a phone call to the sister of an old friend. In the morning I rented a car and drove up to the North of France. She lived in a small village near a bigger town. I had talked to her on the phone but had never met her. When she came to the door I could see she was really old and frail, but still got around well. She hugged me and thanked me for all that I had done.

  I said, “No. It is you who I must thank. I am very sorry about your brother. He was a good man. I liked him and he stood by me when I needed him.”

  She asked me if I would stay for an early supper. She had prepared the country style Ratatouille one of my favorites. She was glad the problem with the contract was finished. I asked her where she had gone when I sent the money. She told me she had left for her sister’s place in Martinique in the French West Indies. She had stayed for almost 4 years before returning home. It had been wonderful for her. Her sister would be coming for a visit within a couple month
s.

  I knew when I left that I wouldn’t be seeing her again. I left an envelope with $5000 in it, with a note saying, “This is for you girls to have a good time kicking up your heels when your sister comes.”

  Before I had driven up to see the old girl, I had called my old information source and told him I wanted to see him. He lived in Paris and gave me directions.

  “Hello Besnard. Good to see you again. It’s been a long time.” I handed him an envelope. I said, “This is for you, faster than the mail.”

  He opened it. “Oh Jack, that’s way more than I deserve. All I did was check out Sophia for you. How is she?”

  “She’s fine.”

  “Is she as beautiful as ever?”

  “Even more so. Look, I need you to check out something else for me. Get me everything you can on a French man whose name was Edmond Duval. That’s all I have for a name. He was an intellectual, lived in Paris, at least in the thirties or before, and possibly married an American woman. They had a child together. They may or may not have been married. He was killed while in the military defending the Maginot line against the German Blitzkrieg. That’s all I’ve got. Photos would be good if you can find some, and do it quietly.”

  “Jack you know me better than that. That’s all I do is quietly, otherwise I wouldn’t still be in business. Did you hear about George? He was very sick. I guess he just went off to die somewhere.”

  “Yes I have heard. I was sorry to hear that.”

  “Are you still in business Jack?”

  “No. Not for a long time.”

  “Well if you had the notion, I could probably come up with a few contracts for you if you were still interested in that kind of thing.”

  “I’m not Besnard. How long will it take you to find out some information for me?”

  “You didn’t give me much to go on, but I’ll start working on it right away.

  Call me sometime tomorrow, although it might take a few more days than that.”

  “I needn’t tell you I don’t want my name out there.”

  “Of course not, Jack I’m forever the professional. Remember?”